Confessions of a Dating Coach: I Thought I Had a Crush on Him for Ten Years. Turns Out I Was Wrong.
I've got a male friend. Let's call him Mike.
We've known each other for about ten years, and he's always been one of my besties.
We laugh together, have those deep and meaningful conversations about life, love and everything in between, and we've always had a really lovely connection.
But there was one thing about Mike that used to drive me absolutely potty.
His girlfriends.
Not because there was anything particularly wrong with them, but because Mike seemed to have a habit of finding women who needed rescuing.
I'd be in the kitchen making myself a coffee, minding my own business, when he'd appear looking all excited.
I'd know that look.
Oh, here we go. Another girlfriend.
He'd start telling me all about this wonderful woman he'd met, and before long we'd be hearing about her difficult circumstances, the problems she was going through and how he was going to help her.
I'd smile politely.
Inside, my eyes were rolling so far back into my head I could probably see yesterday.
Not another one, Mike!
It was almost as though he had a radar for women whose lives needed fixing.
And the strangest thing was, I thought I knew why it annoyed me so much.
I thought I had a crush on him.
Was I jealous?
I used to wonder what these women had that I didn't.
After all, Mike and I got on brilliantly.
We laughed at the same things. We could talk for hours. We understood each other. There was a connection.
And yet there he was, getting all excited about the next shiny new woman who'd walked into his life.
Or perhaps I should say the next slightly broken one.
I'd find myself thinking:
What does he see in them that he doesn't see in me?
And because I'm a dating coach, you'd think I'd have been able to work out what was going on in my own head.
Apparently not.
For years, I assumed that little feeling of frustration must be jealousy.
Perhaps, deep down, I wanted him to choose me.
Perhaps I was secretly carrying a torch for him.
It made sense at the time.
Until a few weeks ago.
Then something happened that surprised me
I'd organised a singles activity, and a lovely lady came along.
I liked her almost immediately.
She was fun, bubbly, friendly and easy to talk to. One of those people who brings a lovely energy into a room.
Mike was there too.
He didn't say much. Just did his usual people-watching thing, taking everything in.
I didn't think anything of it.
But afterwards, he got in touch with her.
And they've been dating ever since.
A little while later, Mike and I met up for a catch-up.
We were walking towards a coffee shop when, naturally, I asked:
"So, how's your dating life going?"
Now, normally, this would be the point where I'd prepare myself for the latest instalment of Mike's romantic adventures.
There'd be a complicated backstory.
Some sort of problem.
Something he was trying to sort out.
Possibly a woman who'd moved in and wouldn't move out again. 😂
But this time, something completely different happened.
He stopped walking.
He turned, looked at me, and there was this lovely, calm smile on his face.
Then he simply said:
"I really like her."
That was it.
Four little words.
No drama. No complicated explanation. No tale of someone who needed rescuing.
And none of that almost frantic excitement I'd become so used to over the years.
Just a smile.
A quiet happiness.
And for the first time, I wasn't listening to a man telling me about someone he needed to help.
I was listening to a man telling me about someone he simply liked being with.
And something rather unexpected happened to me, too.
I wasn't jealous. Not one little bit.
After ten years of thinking I had a crush on this man, here he was telling me about a woman he really liked.
And I felt...
Happy.
Really, genuinely happy for him.
I liked her. I liked the idea of them together. And I loved seeing that little smile on his face.
There wasn't a single part of me thinking, Why her and not me?
And suddenly, I started looking at all those years of frustration differently.
Maybe I hadn't wanted Mike for myself after all.
Maybe I'd simply wanted him to find someone who made him happy.
Someone he could enjoy being with, rather than feeling responsible for.
Someone who didn't need him to arrive with his toolbox and fix everything.
Perhaps I'd been watching a friend repeat the same relationship pattern for years, knowing how much he had to offer, and wishing he'd find something different.
And perhaps I'd mistaken that frustration for jealousy.
Sometimes we misunderstand our own feelings
It's funny, isn't it?
We spend so much time trying to work out what other people are thinking and feeling when dating.
Does he like me?
Is she interested?
Why hasn't he messaged?
Am I getting mixed signals?
But sometimes we don't even understand our own feelings.
We assume that because someone's romantic choices bother us, we must fancy them.
Because we feel left out, we must be jealous.
Because we have a connection with someone, it must mean there's romantic potential.
But not every meaningful connection is supposed to become a relationship.
Sometimes a man and a woman can genuinely care about each other without wanting to be together.
And sometimes you don't realise that's what you've had all along until something happens that makes everything click into place.
Maybe the real happy ending isn't always yours
I don't know where Mike's new relationship will go.
It's early days, and none of us has a crystal ball. Although I've got plenty of crystals, so you'd think one of them might come in handy.
But I do know that seeing him happy has made me happy.
And after ten years of thinking I might have a crush on one of my best friends, I've finally realised something.
I don't think I wanted to be the woman he fell in love with.
I just wanted him to fall in love with someone who was good for him.
And that's a rather lovely thing to discover about a friendship.
Something to think about...
Have you ever mistaken your feelings for someone?
Perhaps you thought you fancied a friend, only to realise you just had a really strong connection.
Or maybe you've looked back on a relationship or friendship and realised what you felt wasn't quite what you thought it was at the time.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Because apparently, even after years of being a dating coach, I'm still learning a thing or two about love. ❤️
More from Love After 50
Sometimes understanding our own feelings is the trickiest part of dating, especially when we've already got years of relationships, friendships and experiences behind us.
If this story has got you thinking about your own relationships, you might enjoy these articles:
Am I Really Avoidant… Or Have I Just Not Met the Right Person Yet?
I Gave 100% in My Last Relationship. I Don't Think I Can Do That Again.
What stage of being single are you?
Are you still healing, finding your feet, ready to start dating, ready for love or genuinely happy being single?
Sometimes understanding where we are emotionally is the first step towards understanding what we actually want next.
Take the What Stage of Being Single Are You? Quiz
Want more honest conversations about love after 50?
From dating disasters and unexpected attractions to friendships, relationships and the things we learn about ourselves along the way, there's plenty more to explore.
No dating rulebook required. ❤️
