When We’re in a Relationship, You Won’t Have Your Phone 😳 - Confessions of a Dating Coach #5

I'd been on plenty of first dates by this point.

Some good.

Some forgettable.

Some where you know within approximately seven minutes that you're never going to see this person again but now have to work out how slowly it's acceptable to drink a glass of wine.

And then there was the man who apparently skipped the whole getting to know each other stage and went straight to establishing the rules of our future relationship.

On the first date.

It started with a perfectly innocent message

I'd gone out to meet him and, as I usually did when dating, I'd let my family know where I was.

Nothing dramatic.

Just sensible.

At some point during the date, I picked up my phone and sent a quick message to our family WhatsApp group.

Something along the lines of:

I'm here. I'm alive. All fine.

I wasn't sitting there scrolling Facebook.

I wasn't checking emails every three minutes.

I wasn't having an entirely separate conversation while ignoring the man sitting opposite me.

It was a quick message.

But he noticed.

And apparently he had thoughts.

“When we're in a relationship...”

He looked at me and said:

“When we're in a relationship, you won't have your phone.”

And that was the precise moment the music from Psycho started playing in my head.

You know the one.

EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE!

I'm sorry...

When?

Not:

“I find phones on dates a bit rude.”

Not:

“I'm not somebody who likes being on my phone much.”

Not even:

“Would you mind putting your phone away?”

All of those would at least have opened up a conversation.

No.

Apparently we'd leapfrogged several dates, mutual attraction, exclusivity and the small matter of whether I actually wanted a relationship with him.

We were already there.

And Future Jaq had apparently lost her phone privileges.

It wasn't really about the phone

And this is where these little moments on dates can tell you quite a lot.

Because I don't actually think there's anything wrong with someone preferring phones to be put away when you're spending time together.

I can understand it.

If I was having dinner with somebody and they spent the entire evening staring at a screen, I'd probably find it irritating too.

That's a preference.

You can talk about preferences.

“I really like it when we put our phones away over dinner.”

Fine.

But that's very different from telling another adult what they will or won't be doing.

Especially when you've only just met them.

The thing that bothered me wasn't:

No phones.

It was:

When we're in a relationship, you won't...

Those few words completely changed how it felt.

Sometimes it's the assumption that catches your attention

There were actually two things going on in that sentence.

The first was the rule.

The second was the assumption.

When we're in a relationship.

Not if.

Not if we get on.

Not if we both decide we'd like to see each other again.

When.

He'd somehow got several chapters ahead while I was still reading the introduction.

And I think that's something worth noticing when we're dating.

Not because one strange sentence automatically tells you everything about a person.

It doesn't.

People phrase things badly.

People make jokes that don't land.

People get nervous.

And I'm certainly not going to diagnose someone's entire personality based on one comment over a drink.

But I do think we're allowed to notice how something makes us feel.

And that sentence made something in me go:

Hmmm.

A boundary isn't the same as a rule for somebody else

This is something I think gets muddled quite a lot in relationships.

A boundary is about what I will do.

A rule is often about what you must do.

So someone might say:

“I don't want to be in a relationship where we're both constantly on our phones when we're together.”

That's useful information.

They're telling you what matters to them.

You can decide whether that works for you.

But:

“You won't have your phone.”

That's different.

There's no discussion.

There's no curiosity about why I might need it.

There's no acknowledgement that I am, in fact, a fully grown woman who has somehow managed to operate a mobile telephone without supervision.

And sometimes our phone actually has a purpose

There was another reason his comment didn't sit particularly well with me.

My family knew I was meeting somebody I didn't know particularly well.

That quick message wasn't because I'd suddenly become bored and fancied checking what everyone was having for tea.

It was part of how I kept myself safe when dating.

And that's important.

When you're meeting someone new, having your phone with you, telling someone where you are and checking in with somebody you trust are perfectly sensible things to do.

You don't need to apologise for that.

Someone you're dating doesn't have to understand every precaution you take.

But they should be able to respect that you have them.

Pay attention to the little moments

I think sometimes we're so busy wondering whether somebody likes us that we forget to notice how we feel around them.

Do I feel relaxed?

Can I say what I think?

Can I disagree?

Can I say no?

Do they ask questions about me, or make assumptions?

Can we have different preferences without one person needing to win?

None of those things require you to analyse somebody over every sentence.

Dating would become exhausting if we did that.

But when something makes that little internal alarm go:

Hmmm...

It's worth listening.

Not panicking.

Not diagnosing.

Just noticing.

Because dating isn't only about spotting enormous red flags waving dramatically across the restaurant.

Sometimes it's simply noticing the tiny moments that make you think:

I don't think this would work for me.

Needless to say...

There was no relationship.

So fortunately we never had to negotiate my future mobile-phone usage.

I returned home with both my independence and my phone.

And somewhere out there may be a man still wondering why our imaginary relationship didn't work out.

A little thought for you...

Have you ever been on a date where somebody said something quite small, but it immediately made you think:

Nope. That's not going to work for me.

Sometimes those little moments tell us far more than the impressive job title, nice restaurant or carefully written dating profile ever could.

And if you're getting back into dating after a long relationship and want practical advice about keeping yourself safe while meeting new people, you can also read my Online Dating Safety After 50 guide.

Read Online Dating Safety After 50

Jaq 💚