Apparently I Was Too Old Anyway - Confessions of a Dating Coach #2
One of the slightly strange things about being a dating coach is that occasionally someone forgets which side of the conversation they're supposed to be on.
This happened years ago when I was working with a client in my therapy practice.
We'd been talking, as you do, and somewhere along the way I realised the conversation had shifted.
He wasn't just being friendly.
He was interested in me.
Eventually it became obvious enough that I had to say something.
So I explained, very simply:
“I don't date clients.”
There was a tiny pause.
And then came the response.
“Well, you're too old for me anyway.”
😂😂😂
Oh.
Well, that's all right then.
Thank goodness we'd cleared that up.
The fascinating thing we sometimes do when we feel rejected
I wasn't offended.
In fact, I found it quite funny.
Because approximately thirty seconds earlier, my age hadn't appeared to be causing him any difficulties whatsoever.
It only became a problem after I'd said no.
And that's the bit that interested me.
Because rejection can do peculiar things to us.
Sometimes when somebody doesn't want us, our brain immediately starts looking for a way to make that rejection feel a little less uncomfortable.
I didn't really like them anyway.
They weren't my type.
They were too old.
Too young.
Too boring.
Too complicated.
I was only being friendly.
Anything that allows us to rewrite the ending slightly.
Because:
“They didn't choose me.”
can feel much more uncomfortable than:
“Actually, I wouldn't have chosen them either.”
Saving face is a very human thing
And I don't think this is particularly a man thing or a dating thing.
It's a human thing.
Most of us don't particularly enjoy feeling rejected.
Whether it's somebody declining a date, not replying to a message, ending a relationship or simply not feeling the same attraction we feel, there's often a little sting to it.
And sometimes we protect ourselves by changing the story.
Perhaps you've done it yourself.
I probably have.
You tell your friend:
“Actually, there were loads of things I didn't like about them...”
And your friend, who remembers you being ridiculously excited about them three days earlier, politely says nothing.
But rejection doesn't need a winner and a loser
Someone not wanting a relationship with you doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with you.
And you don't have to find something wrong with them to make yourself feel better either.
Sometimes two perfectly decent people simply don't want the same thing.
Sometimes attraction isn't mutual.
Sometimes the timing is wrong.
And sometimes your therapist has a perfectly sensible rule about not dating her clients.
It doesn't need to become:
“Well, I didn't want you anyway.”
How we handle a no tells people something about us
Dating inevitably involves a bit of rejection.
You might send a message and not get the response you hoped for.
You might ask somebody out and they say no.
You might have a lovely date and discover the other person didn't feel quite the same spark.
None of that feels particularly wonderful.
But there's something quietly attractive about somebody who can hear a no without needing to punish the person who gave it.
A simple:
“No worries. It was worth asking.”
can tell you far more about somebody than a perfectly polished dating profile ever could.
And, actually, being able to give a kind but clear no matters too.
We don't have to create elaborate excuses or make somebody feel small simply because we don't want to date them.
And as for being too old...
Perhaps I was.
I'll never know.
Because unfortunately for him, he didn't discover that until after I'd turned him down.
Funny how quickly our dating criteria can change.
Have you ever seen somebody completely change their opinion of you after you said no - or caught yourself doing your own version of “I didn't want them anyway”?
No judgement.
Human beings are funny creatures.
And apparently occasionally very quick at recalculating their preferred age range.
If rejection is something you find particularly difficult - whether it's the fear of being rejected or the knock to your confidence afterwards - my Fear of Rejection hypnosis recording is designed to help you feel calmer and more secure around those feelings.
Jaq x
