The Day My Daughter Caught Me Sniffing a Stranger - Confessions of a Dating Coach #1

There are moments in life when you look poised, sophisticated and completely in control.

And then there are moments when your daughter has to explain to a complete stranger why her mother has just been caught with her nose pressed against his shoulder.

Welcome to Confessions of a Dating Coach.

I've spent years helping people navigate dating, relationships, heartbreak and starting again. You might imagine that means I've always behaved impeccably in matters of attraction myself.

It does not.

So I thought we'd start this series appropriately - with the day I was caught sniffing a strange man at my daughter's wedding.

It started with the aftershave

We were at my daughter's wedding, surrounded by people, when suddenly the most gorgeous smell drifted past me.

Aftershave.

And not just nice aftershave.

The sort of aftershave that makes your brain stop whatever useful thing it was doing and go:

Oooo. What's THAT?

I turned around and there was a man standing nearby.

Now, at this point a normal person might have thought, He smells nice.

Perhaps even, I wonder what aftershave he's wearing?

Apparently, I am not a normal person.

I leaned closer to get another sniff.

Unfortunately, at precisely that moment, he turned around.

Which is how I found myself with my nose practically pressed against a strange man's shoulder, wearing what I can only imagine was a slightly blissful expression.

And standing beside me was my youngest daughter.

She looked at him.

She looked at me.

And then came the introduction every daughter dreams of making at her sister's wedding:

"Errrm... this is my mum. Sorry, she's sniffing you."

There really isn't anywhere to go after that.

But it made me think about attraction

Because here's the interesting bit.

I can still remember how good that man smelled.

Could I pick him out of a line-up today?

Absolutely not.

But apparently my nose would stand a fighting chance.

And that's something dating apps simply can't give us.

We make enormous decisions about attraction from a handful of photographs and a few lines of text.

Swipe left.

Swipe right.

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

But when we meet someone in real life, we're taking in so much more.

It's their voice. Their laugh. The way they move. Their expressions. The way they look at us when we're speaking. Their mannerisms.

And yes...

how they smell.

Sometimes attraction makes absolutely no sense

I've experienced the opposite too.

I've met a man who looked perfectly attractive, seemed perfectly nice - and then caught a whiff of his aftershave.

It reminded me of an ex.

That was it.

My brain effectively packed its bags and left.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the man or his aftershave. Another woman might have thought he smelled incredible.

But scent is incredibly personal.

And attraction is like that too.

Sometimes we can explain why we're attracted to somebody.

Sometimes we really can't.

Someone might not be the person we'd normally pick from a photograph, but then we meet them and there's something about their voice, their laugh or the way we feel when we're around them.

Suddenly they're attractive.

And sometimes someone can tick practically every box on paper and we meet them...

Nothing.

A dating profile can only show you so much

I've written before about choosing good dating profile photos and making sure your dating profile actually sounds like you.

Those things absolutely matter.

But perhaps we also need to remember what they're actually there to do.

They're not supposed to tell you everything about a person.

They're an introduction.

Dating apps can help us decide who we'd like to know more about.

They can't completely tell us who we're going to fancy.

That's one of the reasons I'm such a fan of meeting people in real life too.

At a singles event, you don't have to decide whether somebody is your type from six photographs and a paragraph about liking walks, meals out and holidays.

You get to experience the actual person.

You might talk to somebody you would never have swiped right on.

You might find yourself laughing with them.

You might like their energy.

You might notice the way they make you feel.

You might even discover they smell absolutely gorgeous.

Just try not to physically sniff them before you've been introduced.

Apparently there are social conventions around this sort of thing.

Who knew?

So what actually makes someone attractive to you?

Perhaps it's worth thinking beyond the usual list.

Not just:

What do I want them to look like?

But:

How do I want to feel when I'm with them?

Do I like their voice?

Do they make me laugh?

Do I feel comfortable around them?

Is there warmth?

Is there chemistry?

Do I find myself wanting to move closer rather than further away?

Because attraction isn't a checklist.

And it certainly isn't just a photograph.

Sometimes it's something you can't identify until you're actually standing beside somebody.

And occasionally...

it's the aftershave.

One final confession...

I have no idea what happened to the man from the wedding.

I don't remember his name.

I can't remember what he looked like.

And I have absolutely no idea what aftershave he was wearing.

But years later, I still remember being caught sniffing him.

And unfortunately, so does my daughter.

Have you ever been unexpectedly attracted to someone because of their voice, their laugh, their smell or something else you couldn't possibly have discovered from a dating profile?

And if you'd rather discover what someone is like before deciding whether you'd date them, take a look at our Singles Events and meet people in real life.

Prefer online dating? Read Dating Profile Photos After 50 and How to Write a Dating Profile After 50 That Actually Sounds Like You.