Yeeeees… I’ve Still Got It! - Confessions of a Dating Coach #3
There are certain perks to being a dating coach.
Helping somebody feel ready to date again.
Watching someone walk into a singles event looking terrified and leave having had a brilliant night.
Seeing people make new friends, grow in confidence and, occasionally, meet somebody rather lovely.
And then there are the completely unprofessional little moments when you walk away thinking...
Yeeeees… I’ve still got it!
This was one of those moments.
It started with a perfectly innocent coffee
Through Love In Sync, I sometimes meet members for a coffee.
It gives me a chance to find out how they're getting on, what their experience of being single has been like and whether there's anything I can help them with.
So when I arranged to meet one particular member, that's exactly what I thought I was doing.
Having a coffee with a member.
Nothing remotely romantic about it.
Except, as the conversation went on, I started to notice that something had shifted slightly.
You know that feeling when you're talking to somebody and suddenly think...
Hang on a minute.
Is he...?
Surely not.
Oh. I think he is.
And eventually he asked me out.
There was just one problem
I don't date clients or members.
For me, it's a boundary I've always been very clear about.
So I told him.
And unlike the gentleman from Confession No. 2, who suddenly discovered I was far too old for him approximately three seconds after I rejected him, this man didn't try to save face by finding something wrong with me.
He just looked...
crestfallen.
And I felt for him.
Because it takes courage to ask somebody out when you don't know what the answer is going to be.
Possibly even more courage when the woman you're asking out spends half her life talking about dating for a living.
So I gave him a quick hug, we said goodbye and I walked away.
And then...
My inner 25-year-old appeared
I smiled.
Actually, I probably grinned.
And inside my head went:
YEEEEES!
I'VE STILL GOT IT!
😂😂😂
Now, before anybody gets carried away, this wasn't some enormous revelation that a woman over 50 could possibly still be attractive.
I already knew that.
I've been asked out plenty of times.
And I didn't suddenly need this man's interest to prove that I was attractive, desirable or worthy of anything.
But did it give me a little boost?
Absolutely.
And I think we're allowed to admit that.
It's nice to know somebody fancies you
There's a strange idea that if we're properly confident, we're supposed to be completely unaffected by what anybody else thinks of us.
I'm not sure that's particularly realistic.
You can know your own worth and still enjoy a compliment.
You can be perfectly happy with yourself and still feel good when somebody finds you attractive.
You can have absolutely no intention of dating somebody and still walk away with a tiny spring in your step because...
Oooo. Somebody fancied me.
There's a difference between enjoying validation and needing validation.
If I needed somebody to fancy me before I could feel good about myself, that would be a very different thing.
But enjoying the moment?
I'll take it.
And there's another side to this
What stayed with me afterwards wasn't only the fact that he'd asked.
It was the way he'd handled my answer.
There was no:
“Well, you're not really my type anyway.”
No attempt to make me feel uncomfortable.
No sulking.
No trying to persuade me to change my mind.
He was disappointed, which is completely human.
But he accepted my answer.
And that meant we could part with both of us still feeling okay.
That's actually quite important.
Because when we're dating, we're going to experience both sides of rejection.
Sometimes we'll be the person hoping the answer is yes.
And sometimes we'll be the person having to say no.
Neither requires anybody to be cruel.
Saying no doesn't mean somebody wasn't good enough
I think this is something we can easily forget.
If somebody asks us out and we don't feel the same way, we don't have to justify it by producing a list of reasons why they're unsuitable.
And if somebody doesn't want to date us, it doesn't automatically mean we've failed some kind of attractiveness test.
Attraction isn't a league table.
We're not walking around with scores above our heads while everybody decides whether we've reached the qualifying mark.
Two lovely people can meet and only one of them feel a romantic connection.
That doesn't make either person less lovely.
Sometimes the answer is simply...
No, thank you.
And a kind no is still a no.
But I'm keeping my little ego boost
Would I have gone on a date with him if he hadn't been a member?
I don't know.
That's not really the point of the story.
The boundary was there, so there was nothing to consider.
But I can still remember walking away from that coffee smiling to myself.
Not because I needed a man to tell me I was attractive.
Not because I suddenly discovered women over 50 can still be fancied.
And certainly not because I enjoyed disappointing him.
It was simply one of those lovely little human moments when you realise somebody has looked at you and thought:
I'd like to get to know her better.
And apparently, even when you're a dating coach, that can still make your inner 25-year-old punch the air and shout:
Yeeeees… I've still got it!
A little thought for you...
When was the last time somebody made you feel attractive?
Maybe they asked you out.
Maybe they flirted with you.
Maybe they gave you a compliment you weren't expecting.
Or perhaps somebody simply looked at you in a way that made you think...
Oooo. Hello.
You don't have to need somebody else's approval to enjoy being noticed.
And if you've been single for a while and your confidence has taken a bit of a knock, sometimes the person who most needs reminding that you're still attractive is you.
If you'd like a little help rebuilding that feeling from the inside rather than waiting for somebody else to provide it, my Rebuilding Self-Confidence hypnosis is there to help you reconnect with your own confidence and sense of self.
Rebuilding Self-Confidence Hypnosis
Jaq x
