I Usually Go for Slim Women… - Confessions of a Dating Coach #6

There are some sentences you hear on a date that make you immediately wonder where on earth they're going.

“I usually go for slim women...”

...is one of them.

Because once somebody has started a compliment by explaining that you are not normally what they find attractive, there's quite a lot of pressure on the second half of the sentence.

And on this particular occasion, the second half was magnificent.

Apparently, I reminded him of...

one of those women you see in paintings in art galleries.

You know the ones.

Hourglass figure.

Curves.

Usually reclining elegantly across a chaise longue looking mysterious while wearing absolutely nothing.

I mean...

Thank you?

I think it was supposed to be a compliment

And to be fair to him, I'm pretty certain it was.

He wasn't sitting there trying to make me feel bad about my body.

Quite the opposite.

He was trying to tell me that he found my figure attractive.

He'd simply decided that the best way to communicate this was to first inform me that he usually preferred slimmer women and then compare me to a naked woman from an art gallery.

There are times in life when less really is more.

“You have a lovely figure.”

Perfect.

Stop there.

No supporting evidence required.

No historical art references.

And definitely no explanation of how I've somehow managed to overcome your usual body-type requirements.

Please don't explain why I'm the exception

I think this is where compliments can sometimes go horribly wrong.

We want somebody to understand that what we're saying is genuine, so instead of simply giving the compliment...

we explain it.

And explain it.

And then explain it a little bit more.

Until the compliment that started life as:

“I think you're really attractive.”

somehow becomes:

“You're not remotely what I normally go for, but surprisingly, I've decided you're acceptable.”

It happens in all sorts of ways.

“I don't normally like blondes, but...”

“You're older than the women I usually date, but...”

“I usually go for taller men, but...”

“I've never really fancied bald men before, but...”

“You're not my usual type...”

And perhaps the person saying it genuinely means:

There's something about YOU that I find really attractive.

Which is lovely.

Unfortunately, the person receiving it might hear:

Congratulations! You've managed to overcome one of my normal objections.

Slightly less lovely.

Our “type” isn't always who we fancy

There is something interesting underneath all of this, though.

We can carry around an idea of our “type” for years.

Tall.

Slim.

Dark-haired.

Blonde.

Sporty.

Curvy.

Bearded.

Clean-shaven.

Someone who dresses a particular way.

And then occasionally we meet somebody who looks nothing like the person we've always imagined ourselves with...

and fancy them anyway.

Because attraction is inconvenient like that.

It doesn't always consult the checklist first.

And I actually think that's quite lovely.

Someone can be completely different from your previous partners or from the person you thought you'd be attracted to and still make you want to move a little closer.

That's why I've written before about dating outside your usual type — because sometimes being too rigid about what we think attraction is supposed to look like can mean we overlook somebody we'd actually have wonderful chemistry with.

Read: Date Outside Your Type

But you don't have to tell them

This is the important bit.

If you've spent your entire life dating six-foot brunettes and suddenly find yourself completely smitten with a five-foot-eight redhead...

you don't necessarily need to announce the comparison.

You can just enjoy fancying them.

Because there is a big difference between:

“You're gorgeous.”

and:

“You're gorgeous considering I normally prefer...”

One makes somebody feel attractive.

The other can leave them wondering whether they've just been complimented or entered into some sort of unexpected dating competition.

And nobody needs that.

Backhanded compliments aren't always deliberate

We sometimes talk about backhanded compliments as though they're always calculated.

Sometimes they are.

Somebody may deliberately give a compliment with a little sting attached.

But sometimes I think people are simply...

terrible at compliments.

They overthink them.

They explain too much.

They try to make the compliment more meaningful and accidentally make it worse.

They compare you with an ex.

Or their usual type.

Or, in my case...

a naked woman in an oil painting.

And that's why context matters.

How did they say it?

What was happening around it?

Did it feel like they were trying to make you insecure?

Or did you simply watch a perfectly nice human being put their foot in their mouth and continue pushing until the entire leg disappeared?

There is a difference.

Dating would be easier if we occasionally stopped talking

This might actually be the lesson from the whole thing.

Sometimes you've already said enough.

If somebody looks lovely:

“You look lovely.”

If you like their smile:

“You have a gorgeous smile.”

If you're attracted to their figure:

“You look amazing.”

You don't need to provide the historical context.

You don't need to explain your previous preferences.

You don't need to tell them what you'd normally swipe left on.

And you definitely don't need to take them on an imaginary guided tour of the National Gallery.

Although, to be fair...

I've remembered that compliment for years.

So perhaps he was onto something.

I can't remember what I was wearing.

I can't remember exactly where we were.

I can't remember what else we talked about.

But I can still remember discovering that apparently my body belonged reclining across a chaise longue in an art gallery.

And actually...

I'll take that.

A little thought for you...

Have you ever received a compliment that left you wondering whether you'd actually been complimented at all?

Or has somebody ever said something wonderfully clumsy that you knew was meant kindly, even though the delivery was an absolute disaster?

And perhaps next time you find yourself saying:

“You're not normally my type, but...”

stop after the compliment instead.

They don't need to know they passed an unexpected audition.

Jaq 💚