I Gave 100% in My Last Relationship. I Don't Think I Can Do That Again.
I was talking to a guy today about relationships when he said something that made me stop.
“I was 100% in my last relationship. I don't think I could do that again.”
I knew his last relationship hadn't been particularly good, so at first I understood what he meant.
He'd given everything to it.
And now the thought of doing that again felt exhausting.
But then I thought... why would you want to?
I said to him, “Imagine you've just met a woman. She's attracted to you because you're confident, you've got your own life, you've got your own interests, you've got your family and you're your own person.
“If you then give all of that up so you can be 100% in the relationship... are you even still the man she was attracted to in the first place?”
And that started a whole conversation about what being 100% in a relationship actually means.
Because I think we've got this one a little muddled.
What does giving 100% actually mean?
Does it mean:
100% faithful?
Absolutely. If you've agreed you're in a monogamous relationship, there shouldn't be a sliding scale on that one.
100% honest?
I'd certainly hope so.
100% loving?
Yes. You don't need to ration affection because you're keeping 30% in reserve for emergencies.
But does it mean:
100% of your time?
No.
100% of your social life?
No.
100% of your emotional needs being met by one person?
Definitely not.
100% dependent on each other?
That doesn't sound romantic to me. It sounds suffocating.
And perhaps that's where some of us get confused.
You can love someone completely without giving up yourself completely
Especially after 50.
By this point in life, most of us aren't blank sheets of paper waiting to create a life together from scratch.
We've already got one.
We may have children. Grandchildren. Friends we've known for decades. Careers. Businesses. Hobbies. Family responsibilities. Favourite places. Routines.
We've spent years becoming ourselves.
Why would falling in love require us to dismantle all of that?
In fact, I'd argue that keeping some of it is good for the relationship.
Go and see your friends.
Spend time with your children without your partner occasionally.
Keep the hobby they have absolutely no interest in.
Have an afternoon to yourself.
Go for that coffee.
Have separate conversations, experiences and interests.
Then come back together and have something to tell each other.
Maybe 70% is actually pretty good
I said to him:
“Take the pressure off. Stay yourself. Seventy per cent is great. Keep a bit of yourself for you.”
He immediately said:
“I was 100% faithful. There was never any question about that.”
And that was the moment I realised we were talking about two completely different percentages.
Of course you can be 100% faithful while still only giving a relationship 70% of your available time, energy and identity.
The other 30% isn't reserved for other romantic partners.
It's reserved for YOU.
Your friends.
Your family.
Your interests.
Your quiet Sunday morning.
Your ridiculous hobby nobody else understands.
Your relationship with your children.
Your identity outside being somebody's partner.
And I could physically see the relief when I told him there wasn't some relationship rulebook saying he had to give another person 100% of himself.
Because I don't think he was afraid of loving someone again.
I think he was afraid of disappearing into another relationship again.
That's a very different fear.
“I'm not sure I can give 100% again” doesn't necessarily mean emotionally unavailable
This is where I think dating after 50 requires a little more nuance.
If someone said that to you on a date, you might immediately think:
Red flag.
He's not ready.
She's emotionally unavailable.
They've got baggage.
Maybe.
But ask another question.
“What does giving 100% mean to you?”
Because their answer might surprise you.
They might mean:
“I don't want to lose my friendships again.”
“I don't want to make someone else responsible for my happiness.”
“I don't want to give up everything I enjoy.”
“I don't want my entire world to revolve around another person.”
“I don't want to lose myself again.”
None of those things necessarily mean they're incapable of having a loving relationship.
They may actually be describing the boundaries they didn't have last time.
Perhaps the goal isn't two people becoming one
We've romanticised that idea for years.
My other half.
You complete me.
Lovely on a greetings card.
I'm not convinced I want it in real life.
Because if two people become one, which one of you disappears?
I'd rather have two whole people.
Two people who choose each other.
Two people who can lean on each other without becoming completely dependent on each other.
Two people with separate lives that overlap beautifully.
Two people who can say:
“I love being with you — and I'm still me.”
That feels far healthier to me than giving somebody every last piece of yourself to prove how much you love them.
So how much should you give a relationship?
I'm sticking with my completely unscientific 70% rule.
Not because you should only love someone 70%.
Not because you should only be faithful 70% of the time — absolutely not, before anybody tries that excuse and blames me.
But because perhaps we need to stop measuring commitment by how much of ourselves we're prepared to sacrifice.
Be 100% faithful.
Love wholeheartedly.
Turn up when it matters.
Communicate.
Make plans.
Build memories.
Be affectionate.
Be someone's safe place.
But keep something that's yours.
Because the person who falls in love with you probably doesn't want a watered-down version of you whose entire identity has become “us.”
They fell for you.
Maybe one of the secrets to making love work after 50 is remembering to stay that person.
Something to think about...
What would “giving 100%” of yourself to a relationship mean to you?
And perhaps the more interesting question:
What parts of yourself would you never want to give up for a relationship again?
Where are you in your single life right now?
Still healing? Finding your feet? Ready to start dating? Ready for love? Or genuinely happier single?
Take the What Stage of Being Single Are You? quiz and find out where you are right now.
More from Love After 50
Dating after 50 can feel very different from dating the first time around. From relationships and red flags to confidence, attraction and navigating modern dating, there's plenty more to explore.
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