I joined Plenty of Fish last night.

Purely for research purposes, obviously.

I wanted to have a look at what online dating actually feels like at the moment for someone over 50. Not what dating sites tell us it feels like. Not what somebody writing an article about dating apps thinks it feels like.

The actual experience.

So I created a profile and started looking.

An hour later, I think I may have developed repetitive strain injury in my left thumb.

Swipe left.

Swipe left.

Swipe left.

And before anybody thinks I'm about to complain that there are no decent men out there, that's not what happened at all.

There were plenty of perfectly nice-looking men.

There were some lovely smiles.

They just weren't a smile for me.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

We're not supposed to fancy everybody. We're not supposed to be compatible with everybody. And the whole point of dating is finding the person who makes you want to know a little more.

What interested me much more was how many profiles gave me absolutely no reason to stop.

Or, even worse, accidentally gave me a reason to swipe left.

And Then There Was the Parrot

I saw a man with a parrot sitting on his shoulder.

Now here's the interesting thing.

I remember the parrot.

I can picture the parrot.

I could probably pick the parrot out of a police line-up.

I haven't got the faintest idea what the man looked like.

And that's a perfect example of something we often forget with dating profile photographs.

The purpose of your photograph isn't simply to be memorable.

It's to make YOU memorable.

If you've climbed Kilimanjaro and there's a spectacular mountain behind you, lovely — but can I actually see you?

If you're standing beside your beautiful classic car, am I looking at you or wondering whether that's a 1965 Mustang?

If you're holding an enormous fish...

Well, we've discussed the fish.

Your hobbies and interests can make brilliant additional photographs because they tell somebody something about your life.

Just make sure you're still the star of your own dating profile.

Please Don't Scribble Out Your Ex

Then I found a photograph of a man with a woman beside him.

Except somebody had scribbled all over her.

I assume she was an ex.

Perhaps she was his sister and they'd had a disagreement since the photograph was taken. Who knows?

But either way, all I could think about was the woman who had been furiously scribbled out.

Again, I don't remember him.

I remember her.

If the best photograph you have of yourself contains your ex, you have options.

Take another photograph.

Crop it properly.

Ask somebody to take a nice new one.

But furiously colouring somebody out while leaving half their body beside you probably isn't creating quite the first impression you intended.

Then There Was the Top of a Man's Head

Not a face.

A head.

Or, more accurately, the top section of a head.

I don't know what happened.

Perhaps he was very tall and his phone was very short.

Perhaps the photograph was taken by a five-year-old.

Perhaps he's extremely proud of his scalp.

I'll never know because...

Swipe left.

Then I found a photograph uploaded completely upside down.

Could I have turned my phone around to look at him?

Of course.

Did I?

No.

And that sounds terribly harsh until you think about what's actually happening when people use dating apps.

They're looking through profile after profile after profile.

If your first photograph makes somebody work to discover what you look like, there's a good chance they simply won't.

This doesn't mean you need professional photographs or a glamorous photoshoot.

You just need a few clear, recent photographs where somebody can actually see you.

I've written much more about this in my guide to Dating Profile Photos After 50, because your photographs can be saying far more than you realise.

“I'm a Positive, Glass-Half-Full Person”

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I nodded off for a moment.

I lost count of how many variations of this I read.

Positive.

Easy-going.

Glass half full.

Enjoys holidays.

Likes eating out.

Good sense of humour.

Family and friends are important.

None of these things are bad.

They're just so generic that I still don't know anything about you.

Show me what your version of those things looks like.

Don't tell me you enjoy holidays.

Tell me you'd happily spend three days wandering around Rome eating pasta and getting lost down little streets.

Don't tell me you're easy-going.

Tell me you're the person who doesn't mind when the restaurant has lost the booking because there's another one around the corner and it'll probably make a better story anyway.

Don't tell me you've got a good sense of humour.

Make me smile.

That's when a profile starts to feel like a person rather than a list of desirable personality traits.

“Must Love Bikes”

This one fascinated me.

Must love bikes.

Must?

What if I really liked the man but couldn't care less about motorbikes?

What if he spent Sunday morning happily disappearing off on his bike while I did something I loved, and then we met later for Sunday lunch?

That sounds like a perfectly nice relationship to me.

Your partner doesn't necessarily need to be a duplicate of you.

Of course there will be things that genuinely matter.

If you want to spend six months of every year travelling around Europe in a motorhome, you're probably going to need somebody who doesn't hate travelling.

If your entire life revolves around horses and you spend every spare hour at the stables, somebody who can't stand animals probably isn't your person.

But be careful with must.

Every unnecessary must-have potentially excludes somebody before you've even had the chance to discover whether you like each other.

I've written about this before in Date Outside Your Type, because sometimes our imaginary checklist can get in the way of meeting someone who might actually suit us.

“You've Got to Be Trustworthy”

Ah.

Now I know something about your last relationship.

And I haven't even met you yet.

Maybe I'm completely wrong.

But that's the problem.

When you write things like:

No liars.

No cheats.

No drama.

Must be trustworthy.

Don't waste my time.

...the person reading your profile doesn't know the story behind those words.

So they create one.

And often the story they create is:

Someone hurt you.

You absolutely should want somebody trustworthy.

I'd rather hope we all do.

But your dating profile doesn't need to be a warning notice for the next person based on the behaviour of the last one.

Your ex doesn't deserve that much space on your new dating profile.

“Dating, But Nothing Serious”

Well, at least we're getting somewhere.

I actually prefer this to somebody pretending they're looking for a relationship when they aren't.

If you genuinely want something casual, say so.

But understand that people will interpret phrases differently.

“Let's see what happens.”

“Nothing serious.”

“Casual dating.”

“Looking for fun.”

They can mean very different things to different people.

And yes, sometimes “nothing serious” is basically dating-app language for:

I'd quite like sex without the inconvenience of a relationship.

Which is absolutely fine if the other person wants exactly the same thing.

But if that's not what you're looking for?

Swipe left and carry on.

Nobody needs converting.

The Lovely Smiles I Still Swiped Past

These were probably the profiles that made me think the most.

Because there was nothing wrong with them.

Nice photograph.

Nice smile.

Perfectly pleasant profile.

And still...

Nothing.

Not because he wasn't attractive enough.

Not because there was something I could criticise.

There simply wasn't anything that made me curious.

Nothing made me think:

I'd like to know more about you.

And that's what I think people sometimes misunderstand when they aren't getting much response from online dating.

They start wondering:

Am I too old?

Am I not attractive enough?

Is everyone looking for somebody younger?

What's wrong with me?

Perhaps nothing.

Perhaps your profile just isn't giving the right person anything to grab hold of.

A little detail.

A bit of humour.

An opinion.

Something you love.

Something somebody can message you about.

Something that makes you sound like you.

That's why I've put together a separate guide on How to Write a Dating Profile After 50 That Actually Sounds Like You. You don't need to turn yourself into somebody more exciting. You need to let more of the real you come through.

Your Profile Isn't Supposed to Attract Everybody

This might be the most important thing I took from my hour of swiping.

You don't want everybody to swipe right.

You're not advertising a sofa.

You don't need mass-market appeal.

If somebody hates motorbikes and you genuinely couldn't imagine life without yours, perhaps the bike absolutely should be in there.

If your parrot goes everywhere with you and any future partner needs to accept that Keith the Parrot will be joining you for breakfast every morning, then perhaps I need to know about Keith.

The aim isn't to remove everything that could possibly put somebody off.

It's to stop accidentally putting off people who might have liked you.

There's a difference.

Your profile should help the wrong people move along...

and give the right person a reason to stop.

What Did My Hour on Plenty of Fish Teach Me?

Online dating is strange.

You're making tiny decisions about real human beings based on a handful of photographs and a few paragraphs of text.

And they're doing exactly the same thing to you.

So don't waste those few seconds trying to sound like everybody else.

Don't give your ex a starring role.

Don't write a list of demands.

Don't make me turn my phone upside down.

And if you're going to include a parrot...

make sure I remember the person underneath it too.

If you're thinking about giving online dating a try, you might also want to start with my guide to the Best Dating Sites & Apps for Over 50s UK. And once you've got the profile sorted, What to Say on a Dating App will help with the slightly terrifying moment when somebody actually messages you.

And if you're reading all this thinking I'd rather meet somebody in the real world, thanks very much, have a look at Singles Events Near You instead.

Because dating apps are one way to meet somebody after 50.

They're certainly not the only way.